Recreation of the Heart

At New Leaf yesterday, we had a time of reflection on scriptures of significance to us. Leading up to the service I felt a great sense of anticipation. The biggest thunderstorm in years was roaring outside as we set up–I looked up from arranging the prayer stations to see the trees moving wildly. The wind rushed and I felt my body tense a little. This was no ordinary storm. Then the electricity blew out and those of us setting up took to lighting candles, thinking–this might become an impromptu candlelight service.

But eventually it came back down and the winds died down. It was as if the whole group of us breathed a sigh of relief. Soon more folks began trickling in.

As we sat around tables and began sharing our scriptures together, I found myself listening to stories of people’s lives, the way scripture had transformed them, and then I heard myself saying how scripture had transformed me.

I am often surprised at events such as these–to hear myself speak. To hear what is of significance to me…to hear from somewhere in myself what has been of importance.  I found myself sharing, “Love your enemies” which became important mostly when I started finding myself as an adult full of relationships and challenges in those relationships. Love your enemies is no longer just a phrase, it is something that has begun to be written on my heart.

And I hope that it will one day be a way of life for me.

The way that we shared these reflections as a group was to spend time writing our reflections on bricks which we later formed a wall with during meditation time. What I saw there was a collection of meaningful expressions of scripture–a community sharing of the gospel.

Thanks be to God for yesterday, New Leaf Church!

Blessings.

Amy

I am not above racism
I would like to be
But none of us are

All of us are in chains
That is
Unless we have been freed
By some grace,
I have seen my own blindness
My own prejudice
My quiet hatred

And I would like to shout it from the mountain tops
Because I believe I can be freed
I want to be converted

Dear God
My Father
My Mother
Can you free me?
Won’t you free me?

I see your grace
raining down in my life
I see your grace
in someone else’s face
I want someone to see your grace
in my face, too.

home is always something im seeking
ive been moving from place to place in the last few years
so home doesn’t necessarily mean a physical place
i think sometimes maybe whenever i am present to God, then i am home
and somethings really help be present
some people really help me be home
many days i have walked this earth
confused about my purpose
and then others, oh, it’s so clear

these days, home means
being on my bike
celebrating joys and accepting sorrows with Alex and friends and family
home means a little discomfort mixed in with comfort
it means centering in God instead of circumstance
home means pupusas, mexican tres leches, spanish,
seeking justice and peace
yes, peace

tonight
on the porch
summer’s scent has lulled me
into a state
of half-asleep
and half-awake

the yellow fireflies brightly flicker
on and off and on and off
they light up the tree,
yes they decorate the beautiful,
grand, gargantuan, elegant tree

the june breeze smells sweet tonight
and the way it feels ill remember long from tonight

in my surreal estate
i am sitting
just you and me
the fireflies and the tree

So, this week Alex and I are in our new apartment. It feels entirely different, but the same, too.

As I was walking along yesterday in the streets of our new little town (Mt. Rainier), I found myself amazed by all that I saw…so many people out, walking, doing different things with their lives–running their stores or restaurants, closing up for the day or just taking a smoke break.

So to watch this newness unfold, to see how God blesses and provides, and brings new things or people into my life, that is a gift.

Day 1, the joy of seeing our home come together with Alex.

Day 2,  being lazy and cleaning and reading and being alone

Day 3, making good food together

Day 4,  having friends over for dinner, to warm the house with their voices and laughter

What will Day 5 or 6 bring? And day 7? Rest. Then everything else…well, that is Day 8

And more deeply, that God who is working toward the good in all things, is putting to rest my anxieties and reviving my spirit. On this journey, wherever I am now, that is where I am.

A common theme in the Bible is that God will be provide, that there is enough, that he cares about even the smallest hairs on your head.

So I wonder—what it is that keeps me from believing it? Is it some experience of NOT being provided for? If no one else is going to take care of me…then I better take care of myself, right?

Or a society that bombards us with advertisements that say we NEED to be in control, that we NEED to take charge?

I feel like this mindset sort of gets us in a mess and reminds me of some sort of defense mechanism Alex taught me about where you—in an effort to make up for an insecurity—use that same insecurity to try to overcome it.

So, for instance, if I feel like I don’t have enough money, then I will worry about money, which in turn makes me feel like I don’t have money.

Is this the kind of life that God wants us to have? To be constantly wondering about if we are okay…or not?

No—- God wants us to experience a life rich in relationships, in love, and in appreciation of the earth. How can we do that, though, if we are so…afraid?

My first instinct when I am afraid is probably to deny it. I would rather go on pretending that I think everything will turn out okay, even if I don’t actually believe it.

A few weeks ago I introduced a kind of prayer at the Kneeling Station @ New Leaf. The prayer is called a Welcoming Prayer—the idea is that in this prayer we welcome the feelings that we have—not the cause of them—but the feelings themselves. So without affirming the source of our anxiety or fear, we can accept that this is how we feel and then begin to find out—what are our feelings telling us about ourselves?

I have begun trying to incorporate this practice into my daily life—to begin to sense where the breakdown begins—when do I start to feel afraid?

Wow! Its been so long. I have been striving for some semblance of balance over recent days and somehow blogging has not fit into that. But today it did. I think that God has been working on my heart with this for a long time.

I want to share a little bit about my experience with Transform and how I experienced the Spirit moving there. I guess my biggest take away is radical acceptance of other people…and love of those people, too. I could sense that this is what brought unity to people at the conference…and it is the Spirit who brings unity.

I think I have been given love; I have been radically accepting love by others. I need to be reminded again and again that God created me and formed me to a blesssing to others. And so does everyone else.

I am seeing more and more each day how the small sacrifices and sufferings that we endure, that we give to God, are preparing our hearts, souls, and minds for the work of God.

Often when I have faced the challenge to sacrifice, I have faced it without hope. I wonder: how could there be good in this? It is also true, that I am often caught in that moment–as if it’s the only moment that has happened or will happen because it feels like that.

In my despair, I may turn inward and try to control or solve something that I can’t control or solve. The sacrifice that I am being called may be just that: to accept the circumstances as they are.

For the day
The sunlight so brilliant
And the air so…
present
The both beckon us
out of bed
to our work at hand
your Kingdom
we are invited by
your Creation
to enter Your Kingdom
Blessed is our God
Christ is Risen.

by Charlotte Keniston

Today the trees are heavy

With flowers and fog
With mist and rain
People are quitting their houses
Just to make it another day

If we were all farmers
We would not be quitting our houses
So soon
Maybe not at all today

I do not know where
My apples and oats come from
Except to say
That they come from the earth
The good earth
Created by the good Lord
It is good to rest this morning
With apples and oats
Piping hot
Like my coffee, too

I am already done sleeping
Having let the day gently roll back the covers
Having laid their for longer than schedule
I found my thoughts wondering
And then settled on this thought for today:

Grace…be with grace today
As much grace as possible